What NOT to say to a police officer?

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)





Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.





Aren't you the guy from the Village People?





Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!





Are You Andy or Barney?





Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?





You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?





If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight.





Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!





Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.





I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.





When the Officer says %26quot;Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?%26quot; You probably shouldn't respond with,%26quot;Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?%26quot;





What? You need a license to drive?





Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!





Is your power a penis substitute?





Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.





Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.





Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.





Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?





A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind.





I pay your salary!





Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?





Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.





Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.





Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too.





My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal.





Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!





Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?





You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me.





In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?





I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.





Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?





Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either.





Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut.





Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?





Do you have any idea who you're talking to?





There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.





What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol.





That uniform makes your *** look really big.





You don't happen to have any beer in your car?





I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.





So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?What NOT to say to a police officer?
Excellent display of %26quot;don't say this to a cop%26quot; examples. I can't top all that, but you might get a kick out of this little skit me and my wife have done at a variety of senior functions:



The Speeding Ticket



Scene begins with man and woman in front seat of a car as they are just stopped by a cop. The man is driving and he is speaking to his wife before the cop gets to the car:



HIM: Now, Honey I need you to keep quiet and just let me do the talking. JUST DON”T SAY ANYTHING, OK? (Starts to quickly fasten his seatbelt, but is unable to)



HER: OK. But you know I told you to slow down… just before you got stopped. Now didn’t I?…Didn’t I tell you that you were going too fast? Huh? Huh?, Didn’t I?



HIM: Sshhh! Be quiet here he comes.



COP: You were going a little fast, weren’t you, sir?



HIM: Why, no, officer, I don’t think I was speeding. I even had my cruise control on.



COP: Well, sir, I clocked you at 60 miles per hour… This is a 45 Miles per hour zone.



HER: See, John, I told you… I told you to slow down. I told you you were going to get caught. Officer I told him to slow down….



HIM: Gladys, please be quiet. Let me handle this. Officer, my cruise was set for a 45 MPH zone. I KNOW it was.



HER: Now John, you know that the cruise has been broken for 6 months… It tore up on our way back from my mother’s place. Officer, I’ve been trying to get him to fix the cruise, but he just won’t listen.



COP: May I see your license, sir?



HIM: Oh, sure! (starts looking for his license) Oops! I’m sorry officer I seem to have left them at home. I don’t have them with me.



HER: Oh John! You know that your license went dead two months ago on your birthday.! I’ve been telling you to,,, Officer He knows I’ve been telling him to renew his license, (Punch John) Haven’t I, John? Tell him … tell him I’ve been trying to get you to go…



HIM: Gladys, please… please quit talking. Honestly, Officer I really meant to renew them… I’ve just been so busy lately.



COP: I notice your seatbelt is not fastened. You KNOW you’re supposed to keep it fastened when driving, don’t you?



HIM: Yes, sir I do. And I assure you, sir, I just now unfastened it when you stopped me… Isn’t that right, Gladys?



HER: No, John, that’s NOT right, John. You know you NEVER fasten that seatbelt. You couldn’t fasten it just now because the buckle is caught between the seats. You’re just going to kill yourself, one of these day, John. Officer, I try to tell him, but he just won’t listen. See, John, I told you that you were going to get in trouble, some day, but would you listen? Nooooo! You never listen… He never listens.



COP: Now let’s see… speeding, no operator’s license, no seatbelt…



HER: I hope you’ve learned your lesson, John. If you’d a listened to me, We could have left that party 2 hours ago and you wouldn’t have had all that beer and wine to drink, and wouldn’t have run off the road back there, and wouldn’t have been speeding, and got caught.



COP: Beer and wine? Sir, will you please step out of the car?



WIVES… Don’t you just LOVE them?What NOT to say to a police officer?
They are really funny. Like, 'aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching? ' That too to a traffic cop. Hilarious.What NOT to say to a police officer?
Whilst blind drunk: Hello drinkstable,I havent had a c**t all night.



You were speeding too!



Donut shop closed was it?



that`s not a gun,THIS is a gun..What NOT to say to a police officer?
Why didn't anyone tell me this before?



I though Cops loved commedians!



I guess they do. I'm broke!What NOT to say to a police officer?
this makes sense funnyWhat NOT to say to a police officer?
that good .. funny..What NOT to say to a police officer?
good one.....hilarious

very funny ..... loved it .....gave me a good laugh

.....good job.....keep up the good onesWhat NOT to say to a police officer?
lmao!!! hahaha thoses are too good!! thanks for the laugh!What NOT to say to a police officer?
O.M.G. THIS IS THE FUNNIEST COP JOKE EVER!!!...U GET 3 TRILLION *'SWhat NOT to say to a police officer?
lol, that was too funny!What NOT to say to a police officer?
Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in :D Thanks I needed a laugh.What NOT to say to a police officer?
ha ha that was really great.u cheered me upWhat NOT to say to a police officer?
my uncle is a Lt. for the police department in OHIO and i think these are hilarious.. one should be Officer will you hold my donut while I get the paper work.. and please don't eat it pig!What NOT to say to a police officer?
My dad's police officer... i don't find it funny at all.