I want opinons on everything! Anything I could do to improve would be awesome. Also, tell me which way you like it better. I did write a bit more for the third person part, because I kind of couldn't stop.
This doesn't have a very good plot, it was just written from inspiration. I changed the lights in my bathroom, and instead of the warm, homey yellow I was used to, these were bright white. It reminded me of a hospital, and thus, I began typing and ended up with this in under 10 minutes. I'm 14, so it's not like I'm an amazing author or anything, so I want you to be honest. Thanks so much!
Here it goes!
First person:
Shuddering with cold, I drag my feet into the bathroom. The bright, white lights coming from the ceiling cast a hostile glow on everything inside the minuscule cubicle. It’s a pathetic excuse for a bathroom. I wash my face, taking care as to not get my bandaged wrist wet. If I do, then the nurses will come and change it, and I’d have to see that angry, puckered line on my skin. That reminder of how I tried to make my own life.
I scrub my face hard with the grainy towel, trying desperately to rid my cheekbones of their hard angles, which remind me why I’m here, but give up on the unattainable task.
As I stare in the mirror, at my familiar face, I notice that my eyes have become darker, as my soul has. Their usual bright green has now been replaced with a dark, emerald green, making them look deep-set and depressed.
Hmph, I think. At least they match how I feel.
My blonde, wavy hair is half in a ponytail, the other half, hanging in wisps across my forehead and neck. Dry, cracked lips have swapped for the soft ones that were there a few months ago.
“Cori?” I hear a nurse say my name, and walk out of the bathroom.
It’s Sarah, the only nurse who doesn’t act like I’m insane, even though I am in a psychiatric facility.
**************************************…
Third person:
Shuddering with cold, Cori dragged her feet into the bathroom. The bright, white lights coming from the ceiling were casting a hostile glow on everything inside the minuscule cubicle.
“What a pathetic excuse for a bathroom,” Thought Cori, snickering.
She washes her face, taking care as to not get her bandaged wrist wet. Gingerly, she thinks about what it hides. No, she thinks. I can’t think about it.
Cori scrubs at her face with a grainy towel, trying desperately to rid her cheekbones of the hard angles that she hates, but soon gives up.
As she stares at her familiar reflection, she can’t help but notice that her eyes have become darker in the past few weeks. Almost like her soul has, she thinks. Their usual bright green has been replaced with a dark, emerald green. Now, they look deep-set and depressed.
“Hmph,” She says to herself, “At least they match how I feel.”
Falling in wisps across her forehead and neck, her usually wavy blonde was utterly unrecognizable. She pulls it up into a pony tail, only to find that her layers don’t even stay up.
“Cori?” A voice asks. Cori knows it belongs to that nurse, Sarah. The only one who doesn’t think she’s insane. “Are you okay? You’ve been in there for a while.”
“Ugh, God! Can’t you people let me use the goddamn bathroom for, like, three freaking minutes?” Cori groans, unable to hide her anger.
“Cori, sweetie,” The voice continues, “We’re just trying to help you get better. Now please, come out so we can change that bandage.”
Oh no, Cori thinks. She doesn’t think she can stand seeing it again. “I’ll be right out.” Cori says, feeling the tears coming on again. “And by the way, I don’t need to get better. I was never sick. The only reason my idiotic mother ever put me in this hellhole, was because she was too busy to take care of me.”
“You tried to kill yourself, Cori.” Sarah continues, her voice sickly sweet. “Your mother cares about you, or she wouldn’t have brought you here.”
Cori opens the door and stands face to face with Sarah. “You don’t know my mother. So just shut up, okay?” She’s on the verge of tears and her voice is acidic and furious.
Sarah doesn’t say anything else, and leads Cori to the bed placed in the center of the room.
(and before anyone tells me to indent, I did, it's just that it deleted all the indents on here for some reason)
Thanks again! :)
--KatHelp on my story! Thanks!?
Well I liked it. Much better than I wrote at 14. I think I liked the first person better. It connects you more to the character. I really like the descriptions up until you described Cori's looks. Maybe after the paragraph about the eyes you can have her walk out of the bathroom and have the nurse say something like:
%26quot;Cori, why don't you let me put that beautiful, blonde hair in a ponytail for you?%26quot;
This way you can get descriptions across without paragraph after paragraph of explaination. Ok, well I hope I helped a little. Good Luck with the rest of the writing! By the way... I LOVE that you came up with the idea of this story just from changing the lightbulb in your bathroom.Help on my story! Thanks!?
Looks like more of a description of the actual place than a story.Too many adjectives as well.What little that isn't adjective and description comes off as a woe is me I have it so bad piece.Not spectacular work.
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